A Monologue from Ex-People Pleaser
I almost forget when the exact time I realized that I was a people pleaser before. But, I want to share what I’ve done in 2020–2022 to remove this ‘trait’. Hope you can find your way, but maybe these few tips could inspire you!
Two years ago, I chose to talk with a good friend. We’ve been knowing each other for 10 years (You know who you are beb)! I think that she’s a leader. She’s an alpha woman. She always knows what she should/shouldn’t do in her life. Even though we’re becoming a person who is different in some aspects of our life. But, I learned a lot of things from her. She can articulate her way of thinking perfectly. Her courage to be disliked. She said that “I think that there is no 100% match in every relationship. But, you choose the problem that you can still tolerate. For example, if you don’t like a cheater, you don’t want to be a friend with a cheater. But, if you’re still fine with a procrastinator, you want to be a friend with a procrastinator, right?. If you can’t tolerate it. You can choose to burn the bridge means you’re having zero communication again with them.”
Finally, I can get an insight from the conversation. It’s okay to cut off any kind of relationship. If your relationship is making you feel negative, exhausted, angry, or other negative feelings. There is no benefit to you.
She wants to remind me about my personal preferences. It’s really important to listen to your voice. What I like/don’t like in a relationship. You should know what you can accept, tolerate, or ZERO tolerance toward some things. Why it’s really important? Because in this society, you’ll meet with any kind of person. If you want to live with peace and less conflict.
You should start to learn how to make a healthy boundary.
The boundary is like a front gate. You can choose to open or close the gate. Sometimes, you don’t need to explain the reason for your choice to everyone. Simply, it is because you don’t want to do it. It’s a valid reason. Some people won’t always understand it. That’s okay too. At least, you’ve tried to communicate it.
It’s okay to say NO toward ANYTHING that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you’re not feeling well to go to your friend’s party, you can say that you can’t come to their party, say sorry and explain your actual condition. If you’re not feeling ready to meet with your old friend, you can say that you can’t meet with them.
You don’t need to feel sorry to disagree with others’ opinions/requests/etc. You should speak up for yourself. You are allowed to be different. It’s okay. Everyone has different opinions, goals or perspectives in their life. You can’t follow everyone’s request and expect everyone will please you. Some friends will leave you because they can’t accept you as who you are. Maybe, they feel offended or attacked by your arguments or you AS A PERSON. It sounds miserable ya? But, that’s life.
But, some friends will stick with you no matter what. A few people who can see your value and respect you as who you are.
You don’t need to make everyone happy, cause it’s impossible to happen.
If you want another person to give respect to you, so it should start to give respect to yourself.
Now, I have applied this new mindset to every relationship. You should put yourself as the priority because people come and go. The only ‘friend’ who will always be on your side is YOU.
Besides that, I’m trying to read or watch materials on the internet/books/movies. It helps me to understand and be kind to others. I can see that a people-pleaser is just trying to protect themself. Maybe, they are just trying to give the best of everything they could afford to everyone. They don’t want to make others feel disappointed/angry/or sad. It may be different for others, please find the ‘core’ problem in yourself and try to fix it by yourself. You can’t expect others is going to save or fix you. It is almost impossible!
Because in the long run, it could be your problem. It may harm you. You may feel burnout. It’s going to be exhausting if you always think about others. Your energy is limited. If you always worry about what people going to talk about you. You don’t have much time and energy to take care of yourself. It’s really dangerous.
There is a simple analogy,
‘How can you pour your water to others if your glass is empty? It should start with you. If you feel happy you can share it with others but if you don’t feel happy within yourself. How’s it possible to share with others?’