Why we should be aware that maybe we are ‘the source of problems’ itself?

Agni Aflikhiya
3 min readNov 17, 2021

A few days ago, I read a tweet about Taylor Swift. The tweet said that Taylor should be aware that maybe her ‘toxic trait’ would make her attract the wrong guys. The source of the problems isn’t ALWAYS come from their exes. But, maybe Taylor Swift can look deeper into herself, ”Why does she always choose the wrong guys?”

It makes me think a while and connects with the pattern of romantic relationships that I’ve had. I have been in a position where I can’t think that myself was contributed to the failure of my relationships in the past. Before I got into the realization, I always thought that my exes are the source of the problems. Now, I realize that every relationship needs two people who really want to work for the relationship…and here’s the list of the lesson learned that I’ve gained for my 22 years:

  1. Your love is real. It’s totally okay to have a special feeling toward others. It will show that you really care and love others. It’s a blessing of God. But, you must be careful to manage your behaviour. You can’t control to fall in love with a person. But, don’t let those feelings control you to do anything for your loved one (sometimes the request doesn’t make sense, right?). I acknowledge that my old self is blind to love, so I want to give anything for my loved one. It’s really bad. You should keep choosing and love yourself first, before anyone else.
  2. If you’re not ready enough, please don’t ever try to get into the one. You will only hurt each other because you’re still don’t know more about yourself, the difference of needs and wants in your relationship, you’re still unsure about who you are, personal values, ambitions, personal boundaries, and so on. If you still feel confused about yourself. So, how you can ask for help and communicate clearly with your partner? I acknowledge that my old self isn’t mature enough, so I just jump into the relationship without I think seriously about the impact and consequences of the relationship.
  3. Don’t ever think that your partner will give you “happiness”. You don’t need to force them to follow all of your wishes. Sometimes, it will make them avoid you because you try to demand everything unrealistic. You can create your own happiness. After that, your partner will add more happiness into your life…and if your partner is leaving you. You will be fine and continue your life like you used to. I acknowledge that my old self is still seeking ‘happiness’ from my exes.
  4. You must learn to communicate all of the things that run in your head. Your feelings, thoughts, and even the difficult issues are really important to discuss with your partner. No one will read your mind, just speak politely and choose the right condition. I acknowledge that my old self is still bad in communication. Sometimes I raised my own voice and it could make others feel uncomfortable.
  5. Nothing in this Dunya is permanent. Don’t get attached to this Dunya. Don’t be overprotective. Don’t be too ambitious. Don’t crave affection or attention from your partner. Don’t be selfish. You can’t control everything. You just need to accept that you can’t control everything. Even though you have put all of your energy, affection, time, money, and so on into the relationship. But, at the end of the relationship isn’t work out. It’s totally fine. The result is out of control. I acknowledge that my old self is a control freak.
  6. You will never know what’s the story of someone’s life. Be empathetic. Be humble. Don’t ever give judge or critics others. We only see 1% of the long journey of their life (or maybe less than 1% because they try to hide it and it’s totally okay). I think we must give focus to taking care of our life. I acknowledge that my old self is given advice or suggestion only for myself. I forgot to ask and offer others the things that they truly need.

Hmm, I think that I have already written down all of the ‘toxic traits’ of my old self. I will update soon after I get feedback from others yaa!